Tea with Ted

The lovely crew at Ted Baker invited me on a press trip to Port Meirion, after spending a week thinking I was off to Cornwall and nearly missing my train Effing Hammersmith and City line- it is NOT ok stop at every red signal I ended up in Wales! Who knew? 

Infact I didn't know anything about this amazing place. Port Meirion has something to do with pottery I must look that up, but also is like a mini Disney Land.. Scattered on the Welsh coast are multi coloured cottages with surreal features that make you think you're on an acid trip. Or so I've heard. 

Check out this one??! What's weird about it....?

The three windows on the right are painted on! Wooaahhhh. God job I wasn't stoned i'd have probs pulled a whitey. The whole place was like this, it was built by a guy called Sir Clough William- Ellis he bought the village in Wales for 5k in the twenties and year after year came back and built another cottage, inspired by Italy but given his own twist. I reckon this guy was mega lolz ,.

 My home was the top one, gardeners cottage, I did ask if that meant I'd got the staff's quarters but it was swwiiiishhhh with me Orla Kiely blanket, bottle of prosecco AND sherry, I literally couldn't have been happier. 

And Ted sure know how to do a press trip, on Thursday we woke and had a tour of the village by our main man Mareick, now this guy got swag. If you're going ask for a personal tour, he gave us all the celeb goss, Jules Holland has actually built a mini Port Meirion in his garden and George Harrison threw his fiftieth birthday here and wasn't allowed a seafront cottage unless he got battered and fell off the edge. I remember all the important bits. 

We then went to the dog graveyard. As a cat owner I find this a little biased but whatevs

We put a wishing coin in the tree stump. Apaz you put a coin in the tree trunk and it takes away your chosen ailment, if you steal one you get the coins illness. I was hammering quids in for about half an hour #hypercondriac #cureme #howmanycanido #imlyingitwasjtquidsitwastwentypences

After the amazing tour and it really was amazing we had a spot of afternoon tea and then a little heli ride, as you do, casual. 

The afternoon tea on Ted Baker crockery, I mean helllooooo, how much do I need this in my life? 

The Heli.

My future husband. I went up with shiv from Ted Baker and Jenna my old assistant (who bought me Greggs vouchers for Xmas- love her) they both nearly lost it when I asked if I could have a got on his sticks. Chill out gals, he knew what I was talking about ;)

Our evening plan was dinner in their posh restaurant and drinks by an open fire. I was made for this shit! 

Alright I'll have the Parmesan and pea drink thing and some mini fried fish. 

Seared mackerel fillet with roasted onion tart and horseradish foam. 

Black truffle poached chicken breast, morel mushroom cannelloni and steamed asparagus with marjoram

Millionaire Shortbread 

The food was beaut, we exchanged online dating stories while asking all the young waiters if they wanted to join us at our bonfire. 

Luckily for one in the group they accepted, wink wink. You know who you are. 

We then sat round the campfire and played 'I have never' turns out I'm a total square and some people get frisky on public transport. The night ended with a bizarre photoshoot with a lantern and some guy called Owen but that's another story.

Not all Magpies are Bad

Now EVERYONE knows the North is THE best place in the world for the British classic fish and chips. Haddock if you're wondering. 

And one of the best places is the little seaside down of Whitby. Home to Goth lovers and Dracula- Who knew the Count was a fried food fanatic?!

Nestled on Pier Road is ' the Magpie' an old family run fish and chip shop from the thirties which is renowned for being the best in the area so I took  the southerner to gods own country and headed for a day trip to Whitters. Martin Parr would have had a bloody field day. 

That's right- did I mention me and Kate Andrews got a first at Uni siting Parr as our biggest influence? And that was in the eighties before all you whipper-snappers jumped on the 'thisisengland' bandwagon.

Anyway onto the food, we hit the Magpie and only had to queue about 15 minutes. A queue in the north? Now this is bloody unheard of, We're not at burger and Lobster in Leicester Square now you know. Must be good. 

I ordered the anchovies to start, oh haven't things got fancy, they were beaut and I'd wolfed em down before the southerner had even looked up from his menu, that and my carafe of rose. Anchovies and carafes?! What's happening to the north we'll probs get sushi soon and then you've got nowt over us.

I followed with a small haddock for £9.99. A SMALL

An obvious order of picked onions, 3 for the price of one in my victoria park local. 

I didn't touch these. Vom. 

Then we wandered up to the castle and took in the views. Didn't pay the entry fee of £6, I could see it perfectly well from the outside. Who needs a holiday when England looks this good. 

#nofilter and all that. I know I'm starting to sound like Jon Snow but I bloody love the North. 

P.s I followed this with oxtail in a giant Yorkshire pudding with red onion gravy about 3hours later. OBVS. 

A Chow- Down

After 5 days living like New Yoikers in Williamsburg we decided to take a long deserved break in our Hampstons Home.

We picked up our Chrysler (poor mans Bentley) or so the woman in Avis told us, cheers love, and headed out of town like the proper New Yorkers we are. It started with Lols as we made Jose try to open a locked boot not knowing we were watching a reverse camera screen in the front in the car.

Like I said. Mega Lolz.

 

After a 3 hour drive, 2 bags of Cheetos and a jar of liquid cheese, we arrived at my new favourite place. I LOVE the Hamptons. hello home!

Ok OK, so that wasn't our actual pad but ours wasn't pretty shabby either. 

Within about 5 minutes of arrival I'd morphed into Little Edie from grey gardens. Weird Huh?!

For our first night we headed to the Bostwick Chowder house in East Hampton. You know you're in a hot spot when you get handed a flashing lobster to wait in line.  

Jose excited for his chicken wings, we calculated that in his life he's necked about 10,000 , with his teen years in Canada averaging 30 a night. Poor little chick chicks. 

Jamie went for sweet corn chowder.. I mean who does that???! Looks like bananas floating on porridge if you ask me. 

I had the garlic and chilli clams, as a clam lover I was tres excited about this but they were a little on the large side, like when you get a big oyster and it makes you a bit gaggy, well yea like that. 

Then we went for the tuna ceviche wraps. It's become my dish of the moment- raw tuna with avocado and chilli. 

We bought a vat of wine from the local offie and went home to watch  surgery nightmares 'she had a nose like an eggplant' 

Now this is living. 

EGG-CELLENT

After a night in NYC at punchdrunk's 'sleep no more' where I got traumatised after a 'nurse' took me by the hand shut me in a room, put me to bed and kissed me. Don't ask, still having nightmares. We woke starving- Jose decided to put on a pre-breakfast show wearing his punchdrunk mask and boxer shorts OBVS. This guy is totes wastes on make-up, seriously.

Look at those calves! Sex on legs.

We headed to EGG for brunch, I've been before and I think it's one of the best breakfasts I've had. Plus they give you CRAYONS so we spent the first half drawing our emotions in emojis. 

Jamie showed his mood by not leaving the lifeless earth coloured crayons #drab. Apaz he was working in his brown period. 

I have NO idea what this mood is? 

The table emojis before and after our masses of food arrived. We ordered EVERYTHING. 

This, my new favourite breakie of all time is toasted brioche with a whole cut out the middle replaced by a runny egg (or sunny side up after some cow American had a go at me for saying runny. You know what I mean FFS) With stewed tomatoes and streaky bacon! Bloody Delish.

A plate of pancakes for the table..

Ham spinach and eggs

The Perfect hash brown! Although Not sure about a round sausage like..

Look how happy we were, except Kate stood on a chair to take this which was BEYOND embarrassing. Get the hell down crazy walking woman.

We left so stuffed, well not all. Jose went up to the waitress and tried to order half a fried chicken until Jamie gestured to the lady. NO! DO NOT SERVE HIM. Now we've ALL been turned down booze before, but food that's a whole new level. Aspirational one might say. 

National Rail Fail

A train means one thing. You can eat a picnic regardless of the time of day or whether or not you're hungry/just eaten, because you're on a TRAIN. And a train journey without half of Marks and Spencer's Simply Food just doesn't feel right.

As if it wasn't bad enough heading back to London from thecentreoftheuniverse Richmond (sob!) we didn't have a picnic. Or a packed lunch. So instead we had buy from (dun dun duuuunnn) THE TRAIN BUFFET CAR.

Unless it's a bottle of Coke or red wine, purchasing from this horrendous excuse for a shop just isn't acceptable. But needs must.

So we ordered the only two sandwiches left. A chicken, bacon and mozzarella bagel and a ham and cheese toastie.

 I mean look at that. LOOK AT IT!! It barely constitutes as food. The bread was spongy, the "chicken" was bizarre and the pig products were thinner than Alexa Chungs legs. Complete distaster. 

Obviously we ate the lot. Luckily though, to soften the blow we also purchased some wrapped products. 

By no means are these "corkers" comparable to the Food of The Gods (m&s cheese tasters) but at least they tasted of food. 

National Rail, you need to up your game......and if you're reading this a couple of complimentary first class tickets to Darlo wouldn't go a miss. 

Mexicana

When in New York, we went Mexican. Obviously. We headed to the Frida Kahlo exhibition in the Bronx where they'd recreated her garden Casa Azul. This was increds a must see to all frida/plant lovers. These cactus' were INSANE, making my half dead succulents look frankly embarrassing. I mean how often are you supposed to water those fuckers?

We lolled around with plants. Yes we are all thirty plus. Get over it. 

On top of the plants and her paintings, they had a Frida bar. Ohhhh Hellloooohoo now you're talking. Culture and booze. I was made for this shit. 

After a quick margherita we ubered it back to LA Esquina on Kenmare street. This is the same as La bodega Negra and there ar some sort of secret stairs that take you through the kitchens to the restaurant apaz.. After letting ourselves into the staff room trying to find the 'secret' restaurant we got shouted at and told it wasn't open yet. #fail. We managed to get a seat outside and start our epic Mexican feast. Arriba. 

Love the Mexican wrestler 'nachos libra' inspired napkins.

We started with nachos and another margarita. Well there was no point stopping now.  

Followed by mixed fish ceviche with avocado, tomatoes, lime jussive and jalapeño and cocktail de camarones. 

Then the tacos.. tecate beer batter fish, red cabbage, guacamole, chipotle mayo on a flour tortilla And pulled pork, shredded cabbage, habanero, pickled onions, jalapeño.

 It was all bloody Delish. I don't actually love Mexican that much either but this was so fresh, I felt pretty smug after eating. Or maybe that was the 2 pitchers of sangria. #wasted #givemeabreakimonmeholidays. 

Then as if by magic Jose and Jamie just happened to walk by! All in a New York moment. 

Frida Bass